00:00
00:00
View Profile Magik-Waffle
"I am a brother to dragons and a companion to owls. My skin is black upon me, and my bones are burned with heat." Job 30:29-30

Jake Magee @Magik-Waffle

Age 33, Male

Student

UW-Whitewater

Wisconsin

Joined on 7/14/08

Level:
43
Exp Points:
19,670 / 20,530
Exp Rank:
955
Vote Power:
8.37 votes
Rank:
Police Officer
Global Rank:
16,649
Blams:
92
Saves:
499
B/P Bonus:
10%
Whistle:
Normal
Medals:
208

Jeriko

Posted by Magik-Waffle - October 13th, 2009


Zed opened eyes and instantly regretted it. At first he thought he was dreaming, but now he was certain that what he was about experience was real. He was going to die, and in a very unpleasant way.

He took a moment to observe that around him. It was dark and dank, and all he could see was a small light at the end of the hall: a single, naked bulb hanging by a string. He stood and groaned in discomfort as his aching muscles cried out in pain. How long had he been out? He rolled his neck and shook his head.

"Hello, Zed," came a voice from a hidden loudspeaker above him. The noise echoed off the metal walls of the large hall he stood in. He looked down and noticed the place was flooded a few inches. Perhaps that made Jeriko more comfortable. "As you know, you're in the Lair, an alternative punishment to the electric chair. You're about to face the mutant. At the end of the hall before you is a door. When you pass through it, there is no going back until you--or it--dies. Do make sure you're prepared."

The voice cut out. Zed began cautiously walking towards the door, not knowing what he'd find, when he heard a soft splashing behind him. He did a quick about-face to see a girl in the corner, still unconscious, but coming to. She coughed.

"What?" Zed whispered to himself. He began wearily walking in her direction. He crouched by the woman. He could see she was underfed, yet still very beautiful. She couldn't be over twenty years old. He reached for her shoulder. As his fingers made contact, the girl jumped up and began screaming in terror. Zed recoiled with a grunt, almost falling, but kept his balance and stood. He began shushing the girl, grabbing her by the shoulders to calm her down.

Eventually the woman's voice fell. She was crying and shaking, and she crouched back into the dark, shallow waters. "Where am I?" she whimpered.

"You're in the Lair," he replied softly.

"What?" the girl asked in shock. She was breathing heavily and seemed almost delirious.

"You're in the Lair," Zed repeated. "How did you get here? Do you remember?"

"No," the girl whispered. "Why am I here? What's going on?"

"Are you an inmate?" Zed asked.

"No!" the girl shouted. She was getting angry. "What the hell is happening?"

Zed silenced her again and tried to get her to relax. "Listen," he said slowly. "We need to get out of here. But first we have to kill Jeriko."

"What? Jeriko? What's that?"

"I'm a prisoner. I was sentenced to death, but instead of taking the electric chair, they let me try my luck here. If I can kill the mutant waiting for me in the next room, I get to go free."

"You mean we have to battle some...thing to get out of here alive?" the girl asked rhetorically. "What's going on? Why am I here? What did I do?" She was nearly shouting yet again.

Zed quieted her once more. "I don't know. But we gotta get moving." Zed stood and held out his hand. The girl hesitated, then took it. Zed helped her to feet. The two began slowly walking towards the end of the hallway.

The loudspeakers squealed. Zed and the girl froze where they stood and looked up, seeking out the source of the noise. The same voice as before was heard. "I see you found the woman. We neglected to inform you that if she doesn't survive and you somehow do, the test is invalid, and you will still be terminated." The voice went silent again.

"Why don't you tell me what the hell I'm doing here?" the girl shouted at the walls. The two stood in silence, but only the sound of dripping came in reply. They continued forward.

"So what's you name, sweetheart?" Zed asked in only a respectable way. He was at least twice the girl's age anyway.

"I don't remember," the girl replied. She sniffed. "I don't remember who I am at all."

"Well, I'm Zed."

"I'm scared."

Zed turned his head to face her as he kept walking forward through the murky waters. It was getting deeper, but the light was getting closer. "I know," he said. "I am, too."

They trudged forward without talking for a bit before the woman spoke again. "What are you in for?"

Zed shrugged. "Double homicide," he said nonchalantly. "Caught my wife in bed with my boss."

The girl didn't know how to respond, so she only nodded. "I wish I knew why I was in the place," she said, looking around at the menacing, metal walls.

"Doesn't matter," Zed said. "We're gonna kill this thing and get outta here. Don't you worry."

After what seemed like hours they reached the door. The stood under the eerie bulb for a second, delaying the inevitability of entering the wooden door before them to face the beast. As Zed reached for the knob, the same mysterious voice came over the intercom yet again. "I'll have you know that we didn't leave you completely defenseless. Beyond the door you'll find a M16 with clips to spare, though I doubt it will save you. I warn you: Jeriko has never been beaten. It is a creature that has gone insane through outrageous government experiments that have destroyed its mind. It has the strength of ten men, the trailing capabilities of the highest breed of dog, and teeth strong enough to bite through a steel plate. I wish you luck; you're going to need it." The intercom went to static and then cut out.

Zed looked over his shoulder, his hand still resting on the doorknob. "I know something Jeriko doesn't," he said with a sinister smile.

"What's that?" the girl asked, fear apparent in her eyes.

Zed's eyes began to glow to a bright red as his pupils vanished. "I'm a mutant, too." The girl gasped as Zed pushed open the door and ran inside. Sure enough, on the floor before them was an M16 with three clips. Zed picked up the automatic weapon and looked down the sights. He then observed the room they now found themselves in.

The place was huge. It had a cavernous feel to it. The floor was flooded at least a foot. The corners of the enormous room vanished into darkness as the walls climbed to unknown heights. Only a few naked bulbs here and there lit the path. In front of the two characters was a metal wall only high enough to prevent them from seeing over or climbing it. Zed led the way and began walking to the left along the wall. Eventually they reached the end and moved forward through an opening a few feet to face yet another wall. The two traveled right this time, very slowly and carefully, looking for another hole to pass through.

"This ain't too hard," said Zed. He scratched his stubbly, white chin and gripped his rifle again. His eyes were still glowing bright red. "We can get through a maze no problem. And the idiots running this show don't know I'm just as strong as this Jeriko, only a lot smarter. Plus we got a gun, so I think we got a pretty good chance at winning."

The girl remained quiet. The terror on her face was obvious. Every time she heard a drip, she jumped and turned, only to see darkness behind her.

They reached the second opening and passed through. Looking over the walls as best they could, Zed could estimate by the faint light in the distance that they still had awhile to go before they reached the door. But they weren't allowed to leave until Jeriko was dead, so neither of them was celebrating the fact they hadn't encountered him yet.

And then they heard it: a deep growl that echoed far above them. It made both Zed and the girl freeze for a second. The woman whimpered and brought her arms close to her chest with her hands clutched together beneath her chin. She searched the darkness of the ceiling and saw nothing.

Zed made sure the M16's safety was off. "Can't stop now," he said. He gently grabbed the girl's hand and pulled her along in a protective manner, gripping the rifle in his free hand. They passed through the third wall opening and began following the next obstacle, looking for an exit in order to move on.

Another growl was heard, this one closer. Then the sound gnashing teeth sounded quite loudly. For a second, all went silent. All that could be heard was dripping water. And then Jeriko emerged.

"Shit." Zed jumped back inhumanly far, pulling the girl--who was screaming at the top of her lungs--with him. They landed with a splash. The woman went rolling in the dirty water as Zed opened fire on the beast that was jumping from wall to wall in front of him.

What a disgusting creature it was. It only partially resembled the human being it used to be; it was an atrocity now. Its enormous muscles bulged and twitched under its dark-gray skin as it jumped and swung wildly in the air. Its eyes were nothing but black pupils enlarged to outrageous sizes due to the constant darkness it lived in. Parts of the monster's body looked like bloody, tumorous chunks of meat that only hindered the creature's movements, which was, in fact, what they were: side-effects of the disgusting genetic mutation the government had put it through in the name of science, condemning it to kill prisoners in a dungeon, never to know a normal life again.

That didn't stop Zed from pumping it full of lead, however. He nearly emptied his clip into Jeriko's chest--to no avail, might I add--before the beast reached him. It took a mighty swing with its powerful arm, screaming the whole time. Zed ducked at the last second and rolled away, reloading as he did so. Bullets didn't seem to phase the monster at all, however, so his current method seemed useless.

Zed had to keep himself and the girl alive, and he had to dispose of Jeriko. And his provided weapon wasn't working. Fortunately for him, Zed had a few weapons that no one except he himself knew of. Jeriko swung his arm one more time as Zed continued to blast a stream of rounds into his meaty flesh, but this time he didn't duck. Instead, he used the butt of his gun to bash the arm as it passed him, causing the creature to fall off balanced for a moment. With its back exposed, Zed sprinted up his spine, shooting down into the mutant as he ran up him. As he passed the creature's head, he jumped and fired the last three rounds of his magazine into its spongy skull. The beast staggered and cried out in pain as Zed hit the ground, rolled once, and loaded his last clip. Jeriko was mad now.

It rushed at Zed like an angry drunk. Zed saw it coming and leapt effortlessly ten feet into the air. He performed a stylish flip while airborne and landed gracefully behind the confused creature. Taking this golden opportunity, Zed emptied his remaining rounds into its naked backside, then completed his attack by literally throwing his now useless M16 at it. Zed put up his fists into a defensive position and readied himself for Jeriko's incoming rage.

And his rage did come. The beast ran blindly at him, swinging like a madman. Zed dodged the blows effortlessly. He aimed for the creature's belly and swung a hefty punch, but the beast wasn't even phased. He had to think of something new, and quick.

Zed did some impressive wall runs to give himself some space. What could he do? Bullets had barely stunned the monster, and now all he had was his raw strength. And then he noticed the bullet holes in Jeriko's skull that he had left only moments before. Of course.

Jeriko rushed once more for Zed, but this time he didn't dodge it. Jeriko's monstrous mouth was snapping like rabid dog's, but Zed wasn't about to get bitten. Instead, as the beast pinned his body to the wall, feet above the floor, Zed grabbed Jeriko's skull with both of his hands to hold its razor-sharp teeth back a safe distance. He inched his hands along the beast's head until he found what he was looking for: a hole. Using all his strength to keep the muscular creature from ripping his face off, Zed put both of his thumbs into the wound and pulled both hands in opposite directions.

At first, the creature took no notice. Nothing was happening. Zed strained with all his might, but its skull was too thick. And then he heard a distinct crack ring out, along with a horrible cry from the beast; it was working. Zed continued to pull, and the cracks got louder, but the beast got stronger. Zed began screaming in agony as its grip tightened and the skull began to pull apart. Zed's eyes became glowing orbs of crimson. And then, with a final tug, he literally ripped Jeriko's head in half down the middle, causing the most sickening noise of tearing flesh and shattering bone to echo throughout the entire room. The beast crumpled to the floor, as did Zed, as its grip slowly weakened around him. Zed sat in a pool of Jeriko's blood as it pumped out of his head--or what was left of it. Zed eventually caught his breath, stood, and staggered over to the girl, who appeared unconscious in the reddening water.

He lifted her head and looked at her. "Wake up," he panted. "I did it."

The woman's eyes flickered. She squinted at him, dazed. "What?" she asked weakly.

Zed was still breathing heavy, but he managed a smile. "I killed Jeriko. We're free."

The woman sat up with much effort and glanced at the corpse of the creature. After a few seconds of observation, she concluded, "That isn't Jeriko."

Zed swallowed hard as he looked at the woman. "What?" he asked in disbelief. "If that isn't Jeriko, then who is?" he said with a nervous laugh.

The girl smiled slyly at him. Her arm shot out faster than Zed thought possible and clutched his throat. She stood, holding his neck, and casually lifted his body above hers. Zed stared at her with disbelieving eyes as he violently choked in the woman's grasp.

"I remember who I am now," the girl said in a voice that grew deeper as she spoke. "I'm Jeriko."

==========
Back to Archive


Comments

Once again, done as I read, so if something is explained later, I'll bring it up when I find it. You can debate me on anything, and feel free to not follow my suggestions; I'm not a professional either.

observe that around him.

Need to proof read before you enter any contests. Either you missed it, or you haven't been taught proper sentence formation.

Perhaps that made Jeriko more comfortable...

Woah! I would have liked a little more intro before names were thrown around like I already knew them. Of course, the dialogue is a bit hokey at trying to explain it. Try something more like "Welcome to the Liar. You elected to come here in place of a traditional death sentence, correct?" (kind of as a liability to make sure he did choose the electric chair) "The mutant is through the door at the end of the hall....(insert what you wrote about no turning back)". That's not perfect either, but I don't like the way you put it.

wearily walking in her direction

I like the alliteration, but not the "wearily". Try inquisitively.

He could see she was underfed, yet still very beautiful

Try "her beauty was able to escape the ravenous claws of starvation". A little more poetic way of saying that's she beautiful but underfed.

Zed recoiled with a grunt,

I like the idea, but grunt has more of a gruff connotation, like when you lift something heavy.

"...but instead of taking the electric chair..."

I hope you know that don't use the electric chair anymore. Granted, this seems like a more brutal society, but without a time frame or location, I'm going to assume that this is near-future America.

the girl asked rhetorically

Get rid of rhetorically. You don't have to make every "said" and "asked" pretty.

"You're in the Lair"

I like this dialog. A proper way to explain everything. Might be able to leave out a lot in Jeriko's narration in the 3rd paragraph.

"We neglected to inform..."

This sounds too personal. When I think of disembodied voice of a dark, damp hallway, I think proper and formal. Try "If she does not survive but you do, the test is invalid, and you will be terminated".

"So what's you name, sweetheart?"

Not sure if I like the "sweetheart". Might be his characterization, but I don't know yet.
"Well, I'm Zed."
Put a "he comforted her" after this quote. You can leave the next one as-is.

"I know," he said. "I am, too."

Put this at the front of the paragraph. It makes more sense for him to respond quickly then to trudge through the water for a little bit.

zed shrugged. "Double homicide," he said nonchalantly. "Caught my wife in bed with my boss.

Missed a capitalization up front, and I'm not sure how I feel about him shrugging off the double-murder. I know his wife cheated on him, but you would think he would have loved his wife and not have wanted to kill her. Meh, it's a toss-up with me, although some readers might like it. If you like it, keep it.

"Don't you worry."

Alright, I'm liking the father-figure thing going on here. You can keep that sweetheart from earlier.

"I'll have you know that we didn't leave you..."

Like I said earlier, keep her formal. Keep the adjectives away, and start with "You are not completely defenseless..."

Zed's eyes began to glow to a bright red as his pupils vanished. "I'm a mutant, too."

Throw the quote in front.

The place was huge. It had a cavernous feel to it.

Combine by getting rid of "was huge. It". It'll sound and flow much better.

The floor was flooded at least a foot.

You know that guns and bullets don't work when wet, right? Just put them on a table or a rack beside the door

a metal wall only high enough to prevent them from seeing over or climbing it

I imagine if they can't climb over it, they can't see over it.

And then Jeriko emerged.

Good pacing for this part. Quick sentences that convey the fast action.

enlarged to outrageous sizes

Not sure if I like the "outrageous" part here. Consider revising to a much darker and sinister word.

which was, in fact, what they were: side-effects of the disgusting genetic mutation the government had put it through in the name of science

Get rid of this. As the narration is attached to Zed, we so far have only known what he knows. The reader can imagine how those tumor-like (tumorous is made up) things got on his skin. But I like the condemning part; keep that.

That didn't stop Zed from pumping it full of lead, however.

No. Just "Zed squeezed the trigger."

--to no avail, might I add-

Alright, what the fuck is going on here? You start out with a narrative style (this happened, he said that, then this happened, etc.), and then you move into this informal, "I'm going to tell you a story" style. Pick one, and stick with it.

screaming the whole time

Change screaming to something that implies a deeper, more primal yell.

And his provided weapon wasn't working.

No "and". Not that I'm against starting a sentence with it, it doesn't fit here.

Fortunately for him

Alright, did you rush this ending? Because it started out pretty good, if a tad faulty here and there, but then the quality took a nosedive. Get rid of "for him" and keep the comma

attack by literally throwing his now useless M16 at it.

No literally.

, but Zed wasn't about to get bitten. Instead,

Get rid of everything I copied but keep a period between "dog" and "as"

the beast pinned his body to the wall

Just throw in a clarifying sentence so the reader explicitly knows that Zed was rammed into by Jeriko and pinned.

At first, the creature took no notice. Nothing was happening.

Use a semi-colon between "notice" and "nothing". Or a dash. Whatever you feel like.

And then he heard a distinct crack ring out, along with a horrible cry from the beast; it was working

Get rid of "it was working".

Zed continued to pull, and the cracks got louder, but the beast got stronger.

Change to "But as the cracks got louder, the beast became stronger"

Zed began screaming in agony as its grip tightened and the skull began to pull apart.

A little confusing here, although I get what's going on. Try rewording or using "Jeriko" instead of "its"

he literally ripped Jeriko's

Once again, no literally

of his head--or what was left of it.

Just "pump out of what was left of its head"

"I'm Jeriko."

Good ending, although a bit predictable.

Overall, it was a decent effort. Honestly, I don't think this will win the Writing Contest, at least in its current form. But I think it's a great idea that had some interesting elements to it.

I know I may have seemed like I was berating you, but I'm merely trying to help you. This won't come easy; it takes a lot of practice and work to become any decent as a writer, and even then you may not be successful. Try taking a creative writing course at a community college, or whatever college you attend. It could help immensely.

Lots of helpful stuff. Thanks a bunch.

I know this probably won't win the contest, but I wanted to give it a shot. First time for everything.

Thanks again. Practice makes perfect, and your criticism helps too. :D

It was a good read. I was surprised that the woman was, Jeriko.

Good luck on future works.

Thank you, sir.