TheThing 2009-10-15 22:06:38

Once again, done as I read, so if something is explained later, I'll bring it up when I find it. You can debate me on anything, and feel free to not follow my suggestions; I'm not a professional either.

observe that around him.

Need to proof read before you enter any contests. Either you missed it, or you haven't been taught proper sentence formation.

Perhaps that made Jeriko more comfortable...

Woah! I would have liked a little more intro before names were thrown around like I already knew them. Of course, the dialogue is a bit hokey at trying to explain it. Try something more like "Welcome to the Liar. You elected to come here in place of a traditional death sentence, correct?" (kind of as a liability to make sure he did choose the electric chair) "The mutant is through the door at the end of the hall....(insert what you wrote about no turning back)". That's not perfect either, but I don't like the way you put it.

wearily walking in her direction

I like the alliteration, but not the "wearily". Try inquisitively.

He could see she was underfed, yet still very beautiful

Try "her beauty was able to escape the ravenous claws of starvation". A little more poetic way of saying that's she beautiful but underfed.

Zed recoiled with a grunt,

I like the idea, but grunt has more of a gruff connotation, like when you lift something heavy.

"...but instead of taking the electric chair..."

I hope you know that don't use the electric chair anymore. Granted, this seems like a more brutal society, but without a time frame or location, I'm going to assume that this is near-future America.

the girl asked rhetorically

Get rid of rhetorically. You don't have to make every "said" and "asked" pretty.

"You're in the Lair"

I like this dialog. A proper way to explain everything. Might be able to leave out a lot in Jeriko's narration in the 3rd paragraph.

"We neglected to inform..."

This sounds too personal. When I think of disembodied voice of a dark, damp hallway, I think proper and formal. Try "If she does not survive but you do, the test is invalid, and you will be terminated".

"So what's you name, sweetheart?"

Not sure if I like the "sweetheart". Might be his characterization, but I don't know yet.
"Well, I'm Zed."
Put a "he comforted her" after this quote. You can leave the next one as-is.

"I know," he said. "I am, too."

Put this at the front of the paragraph. It makes more sense for him to respond quickly then to trudge through the water for a little bit.

zed shrugged. "Double homicide," he said nonchalantly. "Caught my wife in bed with my boss.

Missed a capitalization up front, and I'm not sure how I feel about him shrugging off the double-murder. I know his wife cheated on him, but you would think he would have loved his wife and not have wanted to kill her. Meh, it's a toss-up with me, although some readers might like it. If you like it, keep it.

"Don't you worry."

Alright, I'm liking the father-figure thing going on here. You can keep that sweetheart from earlier.

"I'll have you know that we didn't leave you..."

Like I said earlier, keep her formal. Keep the adjectives away, and start with "You are not completely defenseless..."

Zed's eyes began to glow to a bright red as his pupils vanished. "I'm a mutant, too."

Throw the quote in front.

The place was huge. It had a cavernous feel to it.

Combine by getting rid of "was huge. It". It'll sound and flow much better.

The floor was flooded at least a foot.

You know that guns and bullets don't work when wet, right? Just put them on a table or a rack beside the door

a metal wall only high enough to prevent them from seeing over or climbing it

I imagine if they can't climb over it, they can't see over it.

And then Jeriko emerged.

Good pacing for this part. Quick sentences that convey the fast action.

enlarged to outrageous sizes

Not sure if I like the "outrageous" part here. Consider revising to a much darker and sinister word.

which was, in fact, what they were: side-effects of the disgusting genetic mutation the government had put it through in the name of science

Get rid of this. As the narration is attached to Zed, we so far have only known what he knows. The reader can imagine how those tumor-like (tumorous is made up) things got on his skin. But I like the condemning part; keep that.

That didn't stop Zed from pumping it full of lead, however.

No. Just "Zed squeezed the trigger."

--to no avail, might I add-

Alright, what the fuck is going on here? You start out with a narrative style (this happened, he said that, then this happened, etc.), and then you move into this informal, "I'm going to tell you a story" style. Pick one, and stick with it.

screaming the whole time

Change screaming to something that implies a deeper, more primal yell.

And his provided weapon wasn't working.

No "and". Not that I'm against starting a sentence with it, it doesn't fit here.

Fortunately for him

Alright, did you rush this ending? Because it started out pretty good, if a tad faulty here and there, but then the quality took a nosedive. Get rid of "for him" and keep the comma

attack by literally throwing his now useless M16 at it.

No literally.

, but Zed wasn't about to get bitten. Instead,

Get rid of everything I copied but keep a period between "dog" and "as"

the beast pinned his body to the wall

Just throw in a clarifying sentence so the reader explicitly knows that Zed was rammed into by Jeriko and pinned.

At first, the creature took no notice. Nothing was happening.

Use a semi-colon between "notice" and "nothing". Or a dash. Whatever you feel like.

And then he heard a distinct crack ring out, along with a horrible cry from the beast; it was working

Get rid of "it was working".

Zed continued to pull, and the cracks got louder, but the beast got stronger.

Change to "But as the cracks got louder, the beast became stronger"

Zed began screaming in agony as its grip tightened and the skull began to pull apart.

A little confusing here, although I get what's going on. Try rewording or using "Jeriko" instead of "its"

he literally ripped Jeriko's

Once again, no literally

of his head--or what was left of it.

Just "pump out of what was left of its head"

"I'm Jeriko."

Good ending, although a bit predictable.

Overall, it was a decent effort. Honestly, I don't think this will win the Writing Contest, at least in its current form. But I think it's a great idea that had some interesting elements to it.

I know I may have seemed like I was berating you, but I'm merely trying to help you. This won't come easy; it takes a lot of practice and work to become any decent as a writer, and even then you may not be successful. Try taking a creative writing course at a community college, or whatever college you attend. It could help immensely.

flipout6655 2009-11-17 08:27:50

It was a good read. I was surprised that the woman was, Jeriko.

Good luck on future works.