WritersBlock 2009-09-28 05:22:46

I think it's about a guy whose love was bitten by a zombie.
:3

It was written well and felt genuine... until he drew his blade. Heroes draw their blade, villians draw their blade, as soon as a character draws their blade, they're cliche. Which is why I thought of the zombie apocalypse scenrio. Why else would the character have the blade? People have been drawing blades for years upon years upon years. That same phrase.
He procured a knife. He retrieved a small carving blade from his side. He took the knife from inside his belt and held it stiffly in his perspiring hand. The same thing's happening, you just need to change your words into an original format.

Those four words, they're the elephant in the middle of the room. Everything else is great, but those four words...

Anyway, I think you did a great job at delivering the most amount of impact from a minimal amount of words. What's it called?

WritersBlock 2009-09-28 05:25:22

Oh durr, I only just bothered to look at the blog title. Never mind me.

TheThing 2009-10-06 23:55:11

A good idea. I like the fact that it's a mystery on what's going on. That's something I like; intrigue the reader and make them read on to see why this is happening, or leave it up to their imagination. Personally, this reminds me of a Romeo and Juliet, only because of the sword. Otherwise, I'm going with cancer/terminal illness.

Also, I like the ending in the sense that it's straightforward. He never loved again. The finality of the statement gives it that much impact, especially since it's separated from the rest of the story.

I also like that repetition of "he hesitated/yet he hesitated". Not much else to say about that.

And as WB said, it did feel heartfelt and genuine. I imagine that's how any man would feel if he had to kill the woman he loved.

But here comes the bad.

You're execution wasn't great, to put it nicely. You seem to rely on too many cliches, as WritersBlock said. Drew his blade. Eyes that pierce his soul and heart. Delaying the inevitable. Don't let my death stop you from living. They're all old cliches that have been heard a million times. Reword it, or say something else. They make you look like a bad writer, and from what I've seen, you aren't.

Also, what's up with the whole "hate" aspect you touched on in the middle? I know that hate is the opposite of love, but why would her love fade and hate take it's place. Maybe with a better understanding of why she's dieing and her personality would explain this better, but as of now, it doesn't make too much sense.

You also suffer what is referred to as "Floating Head Syndrome". Basically, you just have dialogue without an owner. Sure, you can infer who's saying it, but another symptom is a lack of detail. As the name suggests, your story makes it seem like there are 2 heads floating in space, talking to each other. Give them something to do. His eyes watered, her cheeks were losing their rosy color. Give me something to gnaw on while I'm going through your story. Of course, there are times when just a quote will do, like your "Promise me." It adds impact to the sentence. But over doing it will take away from that impact, as you've done. It also shows a lack of creativity.

Finally, your ending. I did say that I liked the finality of the last sentence, but the actual plot of the ending is not what I would have done. What I would have liked to see was a more ambiguous ending, drawing out the heart-wrenching goodbye and leaving his hesitating arm in the air above her, the dagger shaking in his hands. That leaves the reader wondering if he broke the promise to find love, or to kill her?

Overall, I would have to give it 4/10, but you have great potential to refine your skills and become a better writer. I can see it hidden in this story, and perfection won't come quick. But if you just keep fucking that chicken, eventually you'll get a chick.

lorddead724 2009-11-08 19:11:23

this was not bad in fact it was good. I think it was about a woman who asked somone to put a spell on the man so that he would love her but the person told her for this he wold put a curse on her. the curse was that she could not love.eventually the curse was worse than her love for this man and when the man killed her the spell wore off and the person who killed the curse took it upon himself and thats why he never loved again. I like how you had suspense to even a really short story like, "is he going to do it or is he magically going to find a way to break the curse."